I struggle with the fact that I am 26 and I have never been in a relationship. I know that I am not the only one my age who who has never been kissed/had sex(waiting till marriage anyway, or at least i want to)/ been in a relationship, but it seems like up until now I would have experienced....something. Even if it was just holding someone's hand, which I have also never done in a romantic way, just in the "lets all hold hands and say a prayer" way.
This isn't something I dwell on all the time, or something that really gets me...depressed, but when I see other people happy, or feel lonely, it does kind of consume my thoughts for a time. I have so much love inside of me that could give to someone, and I have no way of knowing when he will come along, and that is very frustrating. I'm not getting any younger. Not that love should be something that is rushed into or settled for, but, when you have aspirations for yourself (like we all do), and you take a look at your life and what you have done or not done so far, it makes you wonder when things will happen, when the ball with get rolling.
I struggle with the thought of BEING in a relationship as well. The thought of never having been in one frustrates me, but the thought of ever being in one stresses me out. When you have gone as long as I have and never had anyone interested in you, or ask you on one date, or want to simply hold your hand or kiss your cheek, your confidence in yourself and your ability to be a partner to someone one day just keeps falling down this never ending hole. Every time you see your friends get flirted with or gazed at or talked to right in front of you, and you get nothing, it just keeps falling down that hole.
I sometimes wonder if it has all been my fault. I know I hold myself back, I know I don't really put myself out there, I know I am introverted. But it's not like you have to jump up and down and dress like a slut and whatever else to get people's attention. I have been around the opposite sex plenty of times and I know there have been plenty of opportunities for a guy to approach me, or talk to me, or whatever. But, it has never happened. I gave Spencer Blake Johnson all the opportunities in the world, which that doesn't mean he liked me so its understandable why he didn't take any of these chances, but they were there nonetheless. I rubbed the dude's shoulders every time he would ask me too, I liked doing it, I enjoyed just getting to touch him and just feel male physical contact. But he was clueless AF, and obviously never reciprocated anything.
I know when I do fall in love, I will fall hard, and I also fear that I will fall fast. This also scares me. The thought of being that vulnerable with your heart terrifies me. Especially after all I saw what my parents went through when they were getting divorced (something else I still struggle with, but that is a whooooole other blog post. ha!). I fear the thought that I will love someone and not have them love be back, or they will stop loving me. I'm scared of being lied to and being made a to look like a fool.
And because of all of this, I know I make it worse for myself. Nowadays even if there is a possibility a guy could talk to me or just look in my direction, its like my mind has already made the decision to decline it. To not even give him the time of day. It feels that if i do i will be wasting my time and energy, cause he's not gonna be into me anyway. I don't even give myself a chance to be hurt. But, in doing this I know I am not giving myself the chance to be happy either. Which we all deserve to have someone who loves us and someone who wants to love us. But we have to let them. We have to open our hearts to love and life and be willing to face whatever comes our way. Good or bad.
I know that everything is in God's timing, not ours. And if I am 40 and I have still never been in a relationship, then that is God's will, and I will have to learn to be content with that. I may never be with anyone, not everyone has to be, but we have to learn to be ok with that. On the other hand, when that man does come along, and he wants to love me and sweep me off my feet, I hope that I am able to let him. I want to open my heart to someone, because I have so much love that I could give to them. I want to spoil him, make him feel important, let him know that he is my love and my everything. He will never doubt it for a second. And I know that finding someone that you love and having them feel the exact same way has to be amazing. I know that in my own head it would be the most overwhelmingly beautiful feeling. I just hope I get the chance one day, and I hope I allow myself to have that chance, run with it, and never look back.
- Cobb
I know this post was long as ass. Deal with it!
While it makes me sad that you struggle with this, I admire your gumption! I don't know many single ladies who are so cool about their singlehood. Plenty of my single friends from college are boy-crazy or awkward, and you are simply not that. Good on you!
ReplyDeleteI know you aren't looking actively for a relationship, so I don't mean this to be advice, but I didn't find David until I wan't looking at all for anyone. Meaning, God will in fact do things in His timing, and when He does it will be magic.