Ever stare at a word for like a minute and think "man...that doesnt look like it is spelled right". I just did that to the word "shut" above this. What the crap?
Anywhohow, Hope your week as has been good!
Wanna know what im not good at? Blogging.
I always want it to be this deep, perceptive, insightful jumble of words and sentences, but, i dont know if it ever turns out that way. Its really frustrating when you FEEL like you have important and life changing things to say...but you dont know how to say it. You dont know what the rights words are, and what the right order is for those words for them to be "life changing". I sometimes have this overwhelming need to want to change someones life. Like in a way where i say something so true to life and insightful and whatnot and that person's life is forever changed because of my words. And they look at the world in a new way and smell the air differently or whatever. ha! Is that stupid?
I think this might be a common struggle with all humans. Its just one example of a small insignificant human trying to find their voice and their purpose for being on this planet. Sure we were created to worship God, and give Him the glory, and lead other people to His love and His grace. And that should be enough right? Right. However, it doesnt always feel like enough. And i'll tell you why. Its because we are sinners..and we are sinful..and we will NEVER amount to what we feel like we should. We will NEVER be perfect and sinless and flawless and well put together. Most of us will never get our shit together.
In a way...this should be a relieving thought. Like the weight of the world is lifted off of our shoulders just by the simple fact that we know we can never carry it. But it is also terrifying. To never feel good enough...to never feel worthy enough. To always feel like we are walking a path of failure.
However, I also don't believe that God expects these types of things from us. Maybe he doesnt expect us to always want to lean on Him, spend time with Him, give Him the time of day. Because He knows we get caught up in daily life. Things thats physically and emotionally hold us back from trusting and relying on Him. Paying bills, going to school, taking care of family, etc....all of these things distract us from acknowledging the one Being who put it all here in the first place. We would have NOTHING without God.
I want so badly to think about Him constantly..and never waiver from trusting in Him. Even with this permanent reminder on my arm, i STILL forget. Which i should have expected that. But when my arm does force me to remember...i am so grateful. And i am filled with a stillness. It forces me to acknowledge my Creator. Something we honestly should not have to be forced to do.
I know i have been all over the place with this mess. But this all just came out of my fingers as i typed this to you...and i just went with it. I don't know.
I hope i have changed your life...your perspective....your world. hahahaha! naw....I hope you sneezed on your computer while reading this....and then had to clean the screen with your hand...and then got globs of snot on your hand and had to go to the bathroom to wash it off and then came back and was like "where was i?" and then David called so you stopped and talked to him and then polly shit in in the middle of the living room and you had to clean it up and it smelled of shit so it made you gag and then you watched Family Guy and forgot all about this blog post and then fell asleep on the couch with gum in your mouth and then the gum got in your hair while you slept and then you had to cut your hair in the morning before school and all the kids were like "haha miss bowman you look hideous" and then you cried in front of them and called them all little asshats and went to the bathroom and cried and just needed a breather and then found a cigarette in your pocket and decided to smoke it in the bathroom and then your got caught and fired on the spot and then you left and slipped on the pavement and broke your clavicle and no one cared and you died alone.
Have a good one!
teehee!