How To Get a Job

Good morrow, Cobbface! It's almost Halloween, so I thought I should post something scary. Terrifying. Something to give you nightmares. Entering.... the workforce! (dun dun dunnnnn)

It's a competitive market, no one's hiring, and the economy might as well be a urinal. Perfect conditions for us twenty-somethings  to go job hunting!

Let us begin.

Step One: Make a Good Impression
Someone our age always needs to enter interviews or first meetings as professionally as possible because we often aren't taken seriously. Here are some tips to ensure that your potential employer knows how stellar you are.

• Say "um," just, like, all the time.
• Same with "like." 
• Chew gum. 
• Tell them your skills include hair, makeup, and attitude. (Snap fingers in Z fashion after.)
• Shake hands, but with the limpest grip possible
• Ask if you can smoke in their office. Bring a cigarette holder Ala Audrey, as they are the classiest of smoking accessories. 

Step Two: Build Your Resume
Google it.

Step 3: Confidence

As a twenty-something myself, I have quite a few confidence issues. Never fear! There's a trick that I was taught long ago that helps me perk up right before an important first meeting:

Wear the tightest, shortest, sluttiest outfit you own.

Who doesn't feel confident in stripper shoes and ho-gloss? Glitter is key. Shirt optional. 

Well, there ya go! I hope you get an interview soon so you can try my awesome tips! And remember, if you're nervous, picture the interviewer naked. Then also get naked. 

LOVE!
- Bowman